I had an awful week… emotionally. I am so used to suck it up until it goes away, that I thought I would be able to go on like always.
It’s not like before. It will never be like before. My dad is not there anymore. And this pain I can’t seem to suck up until it vanishes.
I had an awful week. But today was the toughest. I didn’t cry. My heart wasn’t heavy. I just sat down to write. I had to dig deep to find the continuous flow of words. For the first time ever, I was block by this idea that I wanted to write something worthwhile, that would make my father proud. Everything I wrote today was like piles and piles of mud-pie. Even though they are fun to make when you’re a kid — building castle or creating bountiful banquet — it s still dirt and water.
But I kept on writing… because it’s the only thing that gave me a sense of peace today. That helped soothe the recurring feeling of loss.
Before today, I had forgotten that what makes me able to suck it up and move on is writing. And actually right now, I don’t want to avoid the pain, just be with it and write.
Write until there is only love and light and the sweet smile of my father.
With great respect!
A.
Happy Hour with Pablo and Lolaz 
I’m sorry you lost your father. I lost mine when I was 11 and I often wonder what he would think of me now.
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Thank you. 🙂
You may never know what he would really think of you but you can create what you want. It took me a while to understand that my dad was always aligned with what I thought of myself. I felt unworthy, he was hard on me, and it seemed to make t worst. When I felt strong and proud, he couldn’t stop praising. Now, all that matters is that we loved each other. He won’t be there for what’s next, but I can invent that he would be proud, if I am proud of myself. Or that he would kick my ass if I am lazy and feeling miserable. 🙂
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