I caught myself this week trying to “buy some time”.
Buying time with what ? And buying time for what?
For the better of 30 years, I have been doing all the healthy things to make sure that I would not get sick. Operating this way had me stressed out with everything.
I ate vegetarian and mostly organic food. I went to the gym 4 to 6 times a week because I didn’t want to be sick.
And then I got sick. My body, my mind, my whole being exhausted.
I caught myself this week being in that pattern. Trying to buy some time. Trying to beat cancer, and the diagnostic, and the limited future that it makes me believe I have.
What if I eat the right food, and do enough exercise, and if I tweak this other thing, maybe I will be ok for another 30 years.
I woke up one day in so much pain I didn’t know if I was going to be able to get out of bed. I was nauseous, dizzy, and wanting to give up on treatment and life all together.
I don’t want my life to be that constant battle.
I am striving for more.
More experiences, adventures. More love given and received.
I want MORE time.
Of course, while I am anxious about DOING the RIGHT thing, I am not feeling the good stuff that is happening. I am not experiencing the love and all the great new stuff going on in my life.
Time goes by and I become more anxious about not having enough time.
I want to eat the good stuff because it makes my body healthy and feel vibrant. Not because I want to avoid something… That I’ve already got.
Cancer is not my biggest enemy right now. It is my constant anxiety and fear of missing out on the good stuff.
I’m becoming a grandmother this year. If I could convey to you all the joy and love that I feel.
I LOVE my kids beyond words, and with everything that happened in the last few years, I discovered new depths of that love. Every day, I am amazed at how much more love there is to experienced.
Seeing my daughter in this new expression, growing life inside of her, is so touching. She is beautiful. I am so proud of how she is using all her inner ressources and wisdom to create her nest, and become the best mother possible. She has opportunities I didn’t have when I was pregnant with her.
Now, you can understand why I want to by some time.
I want to live for that whole new experience of love.
And some days, when the pain is cutting through my body like a gigantic wave, I just fuck cancer and everything I will never get to have. And then, I live in the false hope that one more piece of tasteless brocoli will give me a few more years.
It is the different depth of love that I get to experience each day that supports me and makes me feel vibrant.
Each day, I pick a thread of the beautiful fabric of love I have created in my life and I create a new piece.
When I draw my last breath, I want to look at all of it and say: ENCORE! And give myself the best standing ovation ever.
I am not at peace yet with the whole metastatic breast cancer – stage 4 – there is no cure situation.
Because there is a knowing in my being. A knowing that everything is alright and at its right place. A knowing that shows me, when I try to beat time and death, that all is perfect.
Every moment is my choice. There will always be life and death. It is part of the whole experience.
I chose Pablo and Lolaz to buy me some time to think, and to calm down the fears.
The treatment is working. The side effects are manageable.
Now, I get to see the distorted patterns that have led me to this state. My body is recovering from decades of anxiety, trauma, and fears. I think this is it. I have the opportunity to shift and choose self-love.
And as I am writing this, I can hear in the back WE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!!! MIRACULOUS REMISSION HAS TO HAPPEN NOW!
Who has time for the long journey of self-recognition and self-love. Time to bring myself back in the present moment when I get in my head.
THERE IS NO MORE TIME! Can you see?! All the things I might miss out on, if I don’t do SOMETHING that will make me become eternal.
Doing one thing.
For one hour.
The thing that will give me the feeling that at the end of this life it will all be worth it.
With great respect and love!
PS: I LOVE brocoli! I eat all of it. I even drink the water after I’ve steamed it. Brocoli is good for you. I just used that example for effects. 🙂
2 thoughts on “The Fear of Missing Out”
I feel for you my friend. I am sad for what you are going through. Do you have hope for the afterlife?
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Thank you for your kind words. Please, no need to be sad. There is so much beauty and joy in my life. Yes, some things are difficult and frustrating. I wouldn’t be human if I wasn’t experiencing these emotions in front of my condition.
My biggest hope lives in the present moment. In what gives me joy. The idea of my death creates fear, not because of what might be on the other side. I am afraid of not having more to enjoy. Of not seeing my grandchild grow up and become an amazing human like his parents.
I guess growing old also brings up these kind of questions. I am only facing how I live as if I would be eternal. The fear of losing something is an illusion. I am not losing anything while I am here living life.
When I’m gone, I’m gone. This life will be complete.
I am afraid when I forget that I am right here, right now, in this moment. I am complete when I am fully present to the perfection of it all.
Thank you, Jean, for your friendship, support and prayers. They work!!!
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