I caught myself this week trying to "buy some time". Buying time with what ? And buying time for what? For the better of 30 years, I have been doing all the healthy things to make sure that I would not get sick. Operating this way had me stressed out with everything. I ate vegetarian…
I’ve never heard that before
Said the doctor when I shared that I had more pain during week 4 of the treatment cycle. You should've seen my face. "It shouldn't be possible, the medication stays in the body, you shouldn't see that drastic shift during week four." Week four is when Pablo takes a vacation and Lolaz stares at me…
Let’s dance
I noticed the other day that I haven't been listening to music much. I put some binaural beats to help with sleep at night, but here I'm talking about music with lyrics and listening just for the fun of it. I used to listen to music during my morning/evening commutes to and from work. When…
On the Importance of Eyebrows
When I did chemotherapy four years ago I lost all my hair. When I say all my hair. I mean ALL OF IT. Not just on my head, but also on my arms, on my legs. My eyebrows, my eyelashes. The annoying lady mustache. Pubic hair. ALL OF IT. I had a moment of despair…
Pablo’s on vacation
The thing with this threesome is that I can't rely on anykind of consistency in my reactions to the treatment. Sometimes, NO perceptible change can throw me off course for a few days. Or a few weeks... Ok, so each cycle is 4 weeks. I take Pablo for three weeks and Lolaz goes uninterrupted. So…
Guilty.Period.
Today. I cried with relief. Guilty. What we all saw with our own eyes was the truth. No one today can tell us that it was all in our heads. I was so resigned. Yesterday, I was resigned. Again we would see another one get off easy. Not today. Today. We can all breathe. For…
My body and medical consent
I woke up during the lung biopsy. They gave me some sedation and I fell into a blisful state, while they shoved a camera with a small light and a needle (?) down my throat. I woke up. Coughing my Soul out of body. I heard the doctor say in a very relaxed, matter of…
Living One Hour a Day
Someone who has been living with chronic pain for years told me that I was lucky to have "at least" an hour of grace everyday. I said a weak thank you not quite sure what to respond. For me there is no hierarchy of pain. My pain is not worst or better or less than…
Green Goo for Happy Hour
When you tell people you have cancer, there is of course the natural reaction of empathy, sadness, anger, and worries. A little mix of emotions that are not always clear. I have waited weeks this time before I told people. Because when you say you have cancer, people want to fix you. Subconciously, they think…
The Fearless Threesome
About 3 months ago, the doctor called me, and started the call by saying: "It's not good news..." I knew instinctively that she was going to tell me the cancer was back. I had been having a dry cough for a while, that could have been mistaken for asthma. But the pressure on my lungs…
Happy Hour with Pablo and Lolaz 